Last night I had a dream that I was killed. I was in the car, alone, when suddenly a siren went off. I didn't have my cell phone to call John. So I thought I would drive to him. As I started to drive, I saw a tornado, this huge twisting mass coming right toward me. I was so foolish to stay in the car, I thought. Before I could do anything else, the tornado was upon me. The car started to spin, and was lifted into the air. I knew I was going to die. It was inevitable, the way I felt when I gave birth to Will, that he was GOING to come out and I was just going to have to make it through those moments. So, in the tornado, I prayed, just closed my eyes and asked God to forgive my sins and take me to Him.

Then I woke up.

What struck me as I tried to go back to sleep was the moment, in the dream, where I knew I was going to die. I did not think about my family, my husband and little baby, my parents, my brother who died 8 years ago. I thought only of God, of making sure I was right with him before I died. For the longest time I felt that salvation came through confession. Everything would be all right if, before you die, you asked God to forgive your sins in Christ's name. If you didn't have a chance to ask forgiveness, and you had committed some sins since the last time you asked, you might not go to heaven. I think deep down that is really what bothered me about my brother's death, since he died committing a sin in my eyes. How could he go to heaven if he still had a sin between him and God?

My ideas of salvation have changed since I studied the Bible more fully. Once we are saved, we continue to sin and repent, but we are still saved. I know this, but my dream was very telling to me. In the dream I was not preparing to go meet God so much as I was frightened that God would not take me. No specific sins sprang to my mind-- I just recognized that I was sinful. Perhaps I saw myself as I thought God would see me, small and sinful, unworthy of his company.